Reactions/Responses

Reactions are defensive feelings born out of a denial of our vulnerable self; they promote isolation and hinder community. We are all incredibly fragile; that will never change. When we are stuck in our defenses, trapped in our mind’s feelings, we are denying the vulnerability we were forced to deny somewhere in our past. Denial of our fragileness only serves to harden us and make the world a less safe place

Reactions are always indications of existing internal conflicts. When we find ourselves obsessing in our heads about some occurrence in our day, what is really happening is that our body and our mind are in the throes of an old debate, and neither wants to yield to the other. Our body is longing to feel pure emotion. The real source of our mind’s distress is never simply stemming from the current event, it is always coming from the past. If the conflict had been dealt with well, there would be no anxiety or distress inside our minds. Our brains would not obsess if we were in the present. If our emotions were operational, we would feel completely in control. Anxiousness, and the inability to think clearly are always an indication of an old, inner conflict trying its best to find resolution. You can look at it this way. The worse the reaction, the more traumatic the past situation. Because we were unable to reconcile the fear and anger in the past, we are thrown back by the present moment’s incitement of our past distress.

One example of a reactive, false narrative, one that we can all identify with, is the common expletive, “I’m over it!”. Who among us, hasn’t claimed that we were over something or someone, because our logical mind so desperately wanted it to be so. We tell ourselves we can use our minds to will ourselves into some preferable state of being. It never works. The thought of “I should be over this person or event” creates the feeling of contempt. The conflict is still alive. The real emotion is sadness, and the inability to process it, is coming from an important, past event in which sadness was neither fully felt nor processed. Past reactions are recorded within our nervous system and become accepted ways of dealing with pain and hurt. Yes, time helps us to bury the conflictual feelings, but the need for resolution will remain within us, and both the body and the mind will suffer. Mention the event a few years later, and there will be a twinge or a pang in the body, reminding us that we never really processed and resolved that situation. False beliefs or statements always cause a tense reaction in our bodies

When we are responding to a situation, we are experiencing emotion, when we are not, we are in our defensive feelings. We are experiencing emotions most of the time, but when we aren’t, it’s a problem. When our encounters with others send us into a state of confusion and upset, we are in a past moment in which we were also in distress. When this occurs we are no longer in an emotional state, we are in a panic, a kind of shock. We have all had experiences where we couldn’t articulate what we were feeling and it feels awful. We walk away with our minds racing and we continue to be tormented about what happened, what we said or didn’t say. Faced with any encounter, we will either be in a position to respond or react. When our bodies are able to stay calm, we usually find ourselves perfectly able to respond to the situation, coming through it with our peace in tact. However, when we have been rattled we can find ourselves, reacting either with hostility and aggression, or shutting down completely. When we are left with no other recourse than to react, it is because the situation we found ourselves in, triggered an unresolved moment from the past. A past occurrence in which we also were not able to access and process our emotions. One of the reasons that the emotion anger, an emotion so necessary to the maintenance of our self-esteem is given such negative press, is because reactive, aggressive behaviors that we witness either on the street or on the movie screen, or in our own households, are labeled “anger” when in fact they are not anger at all but destructive, aggressive reactions. As Damasio and Dr. Van Der Kolk’s work reveal, we get triggered when we can’t access our emotions and we become either aggressive or despondent. The mind/body conflict gets triggered. Dr. Van Der Kolk refers to this state as being ,“emotionally hijacked”. When our brain shuts down in this way that causes us to lose control over what we say or do.

So what can we do in these situations? Well, first of all we can begin to become aware of the times in our life where we are actually in a reactive state. Once we are aware that we are unable to be calm and respond well, we may be able to walk away from the situation so as not to cause any verbal or physical harm to anyone. If we are finding ourselves turning inward and folding under the pressure, we can try to remove ourselves from the situation or be aware that we are no longer present in the moment. What we need to do once we can identify these places in our day, is to later walk back through them in our minds and allow ourselves to be fully present, in this way we can start to resolve the past. We look to our bodies for clues to uncover what it knows. Where in the past did I feel similarly to this moment? When we have the freedom to recreate the moment without the pressure of another person to deal with, we can discover where in our bodies we are reacting to the situation. Often we will have tension in our throat, or chest, or our shoulders will start to ache. Whatever reaction the body has, is a clue to its memory. Sometimes the focus on the body is enough to bring the memory to our conscious mind. If nothing comes up we can begin to ask questions. One way I have affective to tap into the body’s knowledge, is to give that particular part of the body a voice. If my chest could speak out in this moment what would it say? Or how old is this place in my body? Once we locate the place from the past, the next step is to stay there and walk ourselves through it, only this time with the presence to feel our emotions fully. We can then find a way to deal with the people from the past, work through our fear and anger, receive comfort and connection, reconcile the moment and resolve the inner conflict. Reconciliation of the past always allows us to replace shame and guilt with self-compassion, we get to reinstate our worthiness. Our imaginations play a vital role in healing. Our imaginations make it possible for us to experience and relive the old events in our minds. When our mind creates a scenario, our bodies respond as though it were actually happening making it possible to go back in time and process our emotions. Nature intended us to use the brain’s ability to imagine so that we could help ourselves feel better. It seems nature knew that we needed something to enable us to experience the healing emotions of comfort and love in our own minds so that we could experience those emotions even if our caregivers let us down. I have taught my students how to employ the gift of their imaginations to alleviate all of their mind/body conflicts.