When I found a way to give the child I once was, all that I longed for from my parents. When I found a way to feel the sadness and the anger, and admit and feel the fear of potentially not ever having what I needed. As I continued to fully embrace the truth about both the small, and the devastating pains of my past. Each time I embraced the truth, I no longer needed to lie to my body, or pacify it with compulsions, or addictions, or the clinging to authority figures, or any intellectualizations. All of my embracing of my truth, continues to give me the energy, once used for denial and defense, to better love myself, to be better at allowing myself to be loved by those who are capable of loving me, to continue learning what it means to have true compassion for myself, so that I can be better at loving others. Denial comes at much too great a cost. I continue to become more free, every time I embrace the truth, feel the uncomfortable truthful emotions, and allow myself to imagine a better senario. By walking through the discomfort that I feared feeling, I can make space for a new reality. I can erase the old recorded messages, and the subconscious’ need for the repetition of the same painful experiences, only by truly feeling the pain and anger of having been subject to them in the first place. For it is necessary to not only admit the old reality, but to finally have the courage to fully feel the fear, anger, pain and need of that old reality, so that we can erase it’s hold on us by creating and recording, a new, more loving reality for ourselves. To feel the truth and replace it with the experiences of the love we deserved, is the only way to break the cycle. Denial keeps the pain alive.
This Emotional Life 