When my son was about 3 years old, we were visiting my in laws, seated on the patio talking, my son was coloring in his coloring book. As you can imagine, how a 3 year old might color, the crayon colors were free-flowing crazily outside the lines provided by the book, but my son was enjoying the experience and when he was done he turned to my father-in-law proudly, and said “look grandpa”, to which my father-in-law replied, “oh, did you make that mess?” My heart dropped down to my belly, and my heart started to pound as I opened my mouth to say. “Oh my God, that was so hurtful, you should say you’re sorry”. My innocent, 3 year old’s reaction to my father-in-law was a look of complete bewilderment, because he had no point of reference for such mean-spiritedness; but I did, and I knew that I had to do something because I was smack dab right back in my childhood. You see our children are extensions of us when it comes to our generational, unresolved past. What does this mean? It means that our unresolved past, from our childhood, will bring about events in their lives that mimic that fear, anger and pain that we endured but never processed; another opportunity for us to make things right.
So on that summer day, on that patio, I had the opportunity to correct my history. My son was vulnerable, as I once was, but I was no longer vulnerable and I had a choice to have the courage to stand up for what was right. To speak out as the only adult willing to feel exactly what was happening. So, instead of having to suppress my fear and anger at this ‘adult’ behavior, I had a choice to do something, and I did.
My father-in-law turned into the bully that he always was, because he finally was confronted with a person willing to speak their truth. It was literally like a scene from fabled emperor and his new clothes. My husband’s family always pretended that his ways were not hurtful but I was the child in the crowd who had not been regimented into silence. My husband’s family always stayed true to their roles which entailed remaining intimidated by him, but I hadn’t signed that constrainment contract.
He rose from his seat and pointed his figure right in my face and yelled “It was a mess, it was a mess!” The rest of the family, unaccustomed to anyone standing up to the bully, flew out of the room like cockroaches; when my truth shone some light upon the situation. I was left dealing with the situation. My actions did not alter any of their awareness, nor did it prompt them to admit anything. No matter, the thing that mattered that day was that I was changed. That day I reconciled, what had up until that moment, been a big unresolved childhood wound of mine. I was able to use my voice. I was able to express my fear of my child being hurt. I was able to feel my anger at the cruelty that was being allowed without challenge. I had not comfort or love from anyone there on that day, but I received comfort and love when I recounted the story to my friends and my therapist at the time.
That day I resolved one, big, internal conflicts by allowing my emotions to flow. This event led to many discoveries about my emotional health. It was my first realization of how correcting the past, by walking into it, in the present with full awareness, rewires our nerves, making our bodies healthier and putting our minds at ease.
This Emotional Life 